Episode 91 – Toilet Paper Mysteries, Spartan Pain, and the Bus Driver from Hell
Broadcasting from the future, where robots weep oily tears over our internet search history, I bring you this week’s “That’s a Free Bee” — an episode that starts in the bathroom, takes a detour through a nostalgic corner shop, sweats through a martial arts gauntlet, dodges death on public transport, and ends in a lava-filled Dungeons & Dragons trap.
The Toilet Paper Epiphany
Earlier this week I had one of those “bathroom thoughts” — literally. I ran out of toilet paper… and immediately replaced it from a brand-new pack. No drama, no “desperate improvisation with the nearest object.”
But here’s the kicker: the new roll wasn’t glued down at the end. No wasteful unraveling of 40 sheets trying to break the seal. None of them in the pack were. Turns out, it’s a feature of this brand. Which sent me down memory lane to the Bob Shop — our local corner shop where, as a kid, you could buy single toilet rolls for 25p. (Yes, one at a time. Yes, we lived like kings.)
Tang Soo Do: The Return
After three weeks off — thanks to illness, school plays, and high school meetings — I returned to Tang Soo Do with Toby. I was expecting a gentle ease-back-in session.
What we got instead was Spartan training: 300 kicks and 300 exercises in one hour. Squats, push-ups, burpees (the work of the devil)… all in rotating sequences. We didn’t hit the kick target (only 260), but we smashed the exercise target (340). My feet, surprisingly, didn’t hate me this time.
Replacement Bus Roulette
Metrolink replacement buses all week meant swapping my tram routine for bus adventures. One day: a luxury coach with seatbelts, tray tables, and wireless phone charging. The next: an absolute madman of a driver who wheel-spun a double-decker, skipped stops, encouraged people to jump off while it was still moving, and ignored waving passengers like they were ghosts.
By the time he screeched to a halt in front of inspectors, we were all a bit shaken — and not in the James Bond martini way.
D&D: The Lava Door
Game night. Two doors. One leads to treasure, one to instant regret. I may have heavily implied to Toby that opening the second door could be a bad idea. He ignored me.
Natural 1 on the dice. Lava (well, alchemist’s fire) pours over him. Seraphina jumps up, points at me, and shouts “EVIL BASTARD!” before adding, “Sorry, in character.” I wasn’t even mad — that’s top-tier roleplaying.
Final Joke
Courtesy of (probably) Friend of the Show Tom:
Q: Why do ducks have tails?
A: To cover up their butt quack.